Are you an undergraduate? Or even a graduate trying to find a path for yourself in life? You are an early career man or woman and you want to be successful in your pursuits? Please heed this advice! Choose your friends wisely.
If you want to succeed, deliberately choose your friends! The topic and content of your discussions would show how far you can go with your dream.
What do you talk about with friends and peers? Music? Movies? Fashion? Drinks? Drugs? Or girls? If anyone of these mainly and consistently headline your talks, except you receive God’s grace, you may never reach your dream.
Please, I am speaking from experience.
Oyee WowAbility is my friend. We met while the two of us just left secondary school. We trekked together to the State Library to read for our exams. We woke up at night to read and revise. We broke the jinx of West African Senior School Certificate together. We read together. We prepared for the university entrance examination together. His stint at the Federal Polytechnic Ede made me discover that I was born to teach as I facilitated tutorial classes then at the polytechnic as an undergraduate. He is a top banker in Lagos today. I am a university teacher.
As an undergraduate, I chose my friends wisely. People I associated with added value to me. For instance, I first learnt to type on Kola Tubosun ‘s computer in Mellamby Hall. I typeset my first degree project myself. Today, he is a top Google guy. And I am a teacher.
It was Morooph O. A. Babaranti that introduced me to the internet. He took me to Agbowo Shopping Complex then to browse. I was fascinated by the colourful images and the possibilities on the world wide web. I have captured a lot more value on the internet since 2002! He is in Canada and here I am in Nigeria. Both of us doing well.
Salaudeen Kamoru has been a friend since undergraduate days. We became closer after our graduation from the premier university. We have been together since then exchanging values with ourselves. I concluded my Master’s degree dissertation in his three bedroom flat in Ibadan in 2011. I submitted his application alongside my own for the Fountain University job openings which the two of us eventually got in 2013. I broke the news of his employment to him. We have written papers and attended conferences together as communication/media researchers. We got inducted into the Nigerian Institute of Public Relations together the same day, same year. So much the two us have gained from the friendship. Both of us are university teachers.
Mutiu Iyanda is my friend. My good friend. He is a communication researcher and data scientist. From Positive Campaign Initiative, Nigeria to Academic-Applied Research Co-Creation Hub, the two of us have been involved. He gave me a clarity I do not find elsewhere when it comes to doing research that break the barriers of disconnection between the town and the gown. We have also published research together. It is a value laden friendship. And both of us enjoy our working relationship.
In conclusion, please pick your friends carefully. A lot of the times, your interactions with them make or mar your future. Whether your dream is to conquer the world or break records, you need friends who would help enable that.
Whatever it is you think you want to be in life, please choose resourceful, serious minded and forward looking people to associate with. Show me your friends….. I thank all my friends who have contributed immensely to my growth and progress. Whether as an adult or adolescent, your choice of friends matter.
But, as I always argue, that you choose good and resourceful friends does not mean you would end up ruling your world, but if you do not choose carefully, you may have to face the consequences. For God is the source of all success.
For many days we looked to the sky for a sign but there was none. Not even a soot descended. We despaired. We talked about it in groups, at meal time, on the trees, and in our dreams. It was the hunting season again but the military authority would not set fire to the bush. The Harmattan had dessicated the Sudanian Savanna grass that we could hear the hissing dry winds and the chattering of the tinder bush saying, “Do it!”
One fateful morning, our conspiracy gathered the right momentum, and in a gang of three comprising my elder brother, Ezra, our friend, and I, we revolted. Our mom was in the kitchen so we could not pick the match box. We went to Ezra’s place to get his since he was the only one at home. Then in one accord under the leadership of my brother, we crossed the road and advanced a few metres into the bush being careful not to be seen by neighbours. Squatting and well concealed by the tall grasses, my brother struck a few sticks and before he could touch a grass, the wind blew it out. He passed it to Ezra, his efforts were futile too. With only a stick left, I was delegated the responsibility.
I only had to strike once and the bush was on fire. I have the midas touch. With excitement we stood a few steps back watching how the fire spreads. In seconds, our cheer turned to fear. Immediately, we plucked fresh branches from the nearest tree and laboriously tried to quench it. Oblivious to us, we had flung flames behind us that had snowballed into a conflagration. Our attention was aroused by the heat and bellowing voice of the burning bush that blew us from behind. We turned around and beheld the monstrous flame and were exceedingly frightened and took to flight in different directions like bush rats smocked out of hiding.
With my left hand clutching my loosed shorts and bear-footed, I ran with all my might. I could see neighbours obliquely moving pass me like objects relative to my motion. With the swiftness and manoeuvring of a swallow, I dashed into the house, passed my mom and a guest chatting in the living room, straight to the bedroom and under the bed. While hiding, I could only hear the palpitations of my heart and the sirens from outside. In a little while, I heard voices and loud footsteps in the house; I turned to my left and saw black boots standing by the side of the bed.
I was marched to the blue painted Land Rover after being dragged out of my hiding place. The fire department battled to extinguish the fire under the watchful eyes of the crowd who shifted their gaze at me. I was put in the rear of the vehicle where my co-conspirators were already seated. I wondered where they were picked from till today. No one uttered a word as we were driven to the headquarters. Our minds were busy with the possible consequences of our act. Our dad was far away in Liberia keeping the peace brokered by the Economic Community of West African States Monitoring Group, ECOMOG, the multilateral armed force established by the Economic Community of West Africa, ECOWAS.
When we arrived at the headquarters, we were made to sit on a bench suspended across stones under a big canopied tree behind the guardroom. The RSM, Regimental Sergeant Major, and two subordinate soldiers stood before us. I remember him vividly. He was over six foot tall, had three tribal marks on each side of his cheeks like scars inflicted by a beast. His moustache resembles a cat’s whiskers.
To make us confess to the crime, we were subjected to psychological torture. We were below ten years old and sat according to our ages with me being the youngest. One of the soldiers had brought a metal bucket filled with water, and the other soldier held a whip with multiple strands. At the sight of the whip, my mind raced back to a time my mom and I visited my dad here in his office, I saw how one contractor was brought in handcuffs, shirtless and without shoes. He had been severely scourged with a metal whip with welts covered in blood all over his chest and back. He was in agony.
The hoarse voice of the RSM brought me back from the mental torture I was undergoing to the physical one about to be meted out to us. He addressed us thus, “If you do not tell me the truth, you see this bucket of water and whip, I will lock you up in the cell and early every morning, they will bring you out in the cold, soak you and beat you!” Then he pointed his staff to my brother, and asked, “Who lit the fire?!” It’s not me, my brother muttered in trepidation. Focusing on Ezra, he repeated the question, and got the same response.
Finally turning to me, he asked for the third time, “Who lit the fire?!” “It’s me.” I confessed. Not knowing what to expect. Then he asked who told me to do it and I pointed at them. He asked me, if they tell you to put your finger in the fire, would you? And I said no. “Don’t do it again!” He warned and ordered us to be taken back home. This time around, the ride was enjoyable even though we still kept mute.
We have heard lots of news about lecturers demanding sex from their students for grades. The one making waves right now is the case of a University of Lagos (UNILAG) lecturer exposed by BBC Africa Eyedocumentary for demanding sex from a ‘student’ in order to help her with admission. This documentary seems to have created a chain reaction because another lecturer has been indicted of this same offence – sex for grades – and I believe many others will be indicted soon.
This monstrous act of lecturers demanding sex, and money, from students (both the male and the female) as a prerequisite for passing, getting better grades, or having their projects supervised didn’t start today – at least it was there during my university days. The act is beginning to look like a tradition because little or nothing is being done about it. These days, students can comfortably tell you the lecturers that ask for money (and how much they demand) and the ones that demand for sex. The first orientation every new student gets (from old students) once they start lectures is what every lecturer demands for. This means that school authorities obviously know these culprits but decided to look the other way.
But I must be honest here, most of the time these students are the cause of their problems. Or, let me put it differently, sometimes these students actually want lecturers to collect money from them or have sex with them so they can give them better grades or even make them pass. Most students in the higher institutions are not there to study; they believe they can ‘sort’ their ways through. Usually, the boys are willing to bribe their way through with money while the girls opt for sex. This is one problem created by exam malpractice during WAEC and JAMB – flocking the higher institutions with students who couldn’t cope with the academic world.
Anyway, I’m not here to defend lecturers, even though being in the system made me see things the way they are (but we actually have very randy lecturers). My major concern here is how to help the victims find ways out of the situation. Here, I want to see both the students and lecturers as victims. Don’t be surprised I added lecturers to the list because I know some students that will do everything to have a lecturer sleep with them or collect money from them so as to make them pass. So, let’s just be objective here.
How to Avoid Being a Victim of Sexual Harassment
Like I said earlier, the victims here are both the students and the lecturers. So, I’ll group these tips into two – for students and for lecturers.
#Tips for Students
Being a student is enough stress already. So adding sexual harassment to the stress isn’t going to be a funny experience. Well, if you truly want to pass through school without having any lecturer victimise you, try out these tips.
Tip #1: Dress Decently:
Of course this will be my first advice. See, I’m not against any form of dressing but you have to dress decent for lectures – attending lectures should be seen as going to work. You are free to wear your bum shorts and tank tops in the evening, but please, find something good that will cover you up and wear to lectures. I personally, I’m jeans and T-shirt person. This always gave me the outlook of a serious minded person who knows what she came for, and it gives me much needed freedom to run around during lecture period. Maybe you should try it too.
Tip #2: Be Informed
What I mean here is that you shouldn’t play the ‘mugu’ or, should I say ‘mumu’. Like I stated earlier, once you resume lectures as a fresher, the old students will fill you up on the attitudes of all your lecturers. This should be a guide for you. Know the lecturers to approach and the ones to avoid. Don’t play the fool. If you make the mistake of falling into the trap of the lecturers to avoid, you may need more than you know to get yourself out of it. Be wise.
Tip #3: Choose Friends Wisely
I stated earlier that some students came into the school with a clear intention to sleep or pay their way through school. If you make the mistake of moving in the midst of this type of students, you are going to end up a fresh meat for randy lecturers. Choose your friends and company wisely. Look for those that know why they are in school. Don’t be deceived by flashiness and gaiety, that’s not why you are there.
Tip #4: Study Hard
Most victims of sexual harassment are students that are academically unsound. It is easier to lure a student that failed into a hotel room than to drag an intelligent one there. Make sure you study hard and do all your assignments; don’t give room for your lecturer to call you out among the people that will come to his office because they failed.
Tip #5: Be Bold and Assertive
Lecturers that demand for sex from their students are bullies; and bullies don’t feel comfortable with assertive and bold people. If your lecturer starts using suggestive languages, look him straight in the eye and tell him that you don’t understand and that he should please explain exactly what he means in clear terms. Believe me when I say that he will chicken out, unless he is under the influence of drugs.
Tip #6: Visit Lecturers in Companies
Sometimes I wonder why a female student will comfortably walk into a male lecturer’s office, while he is alone, and close the door. This is not appropriate (even if she closed the door because of the AC). Please, if you must visit your male lecturers, do that with other student or students, don’t go alone. In fact the best time to visit when there are so many students in his office so you can sort out whatever it is in the presence of others. If he asks you to wait till he sorts out every other person, find someone to wait with you. If he insists that you come in alone, ask your friend or friends to wait at the door for you, and ensure that the lecturer knows that your friends are at the door. If this lecturer actually wanted to ask you for sex, he will not do it then. If he invites you again, follow this method and continue like this until he turns himself into a laughing stock.
Tip #7: Talk to Female Lecturers
If you find yourself in a web where you can’t drag yourself out without help, seek out a female lecturer. Even if she’s not a senior lecturer she will know what to do. She will not confront her colleague but her advice will help you out of the web. Don’t wait till it is too late to do this. And by the way, telling your parents to come to the school won’t solve your problem, it may only compound it.
#Tips for Lecturers
I stated above that lecturers are also victims of sexual harassment. Sometimes students throw themselves at them and those that don’t know how to control themselves lose it. The tips I’m about to list out here isn’t for imbibing self-control. They are tips that will help lecturers keep themselves away from the danger of being indicted for sexually harassing their students (that is, those that aren’t randy o). So, if you just want to do your job and go back to your family, study these tips:
Tip #a: Dictate Dress Code for Your Classes
I could remember my days in UNIZIK, you don’t dare come into the lecture hall with some kind of dressing. Some lecturers aren’t bothered with what we wear, but we have like two of them that don’t tolerate what they see as indecent dressing (I wonder what they will say when they see how our girls dress these days. Lol). So, you as a lecturer have the right to tell the students how to dress in your class – at least you can do that for now. So, make use of this and keep out of trouble.
Tip #b: Have Stipulated Office Period
You need to give a particular time for students to come to your office. For example you can ask that all the students that need to see you should be in your office between 1 to 3 pm. Anybody that misses that period should wait for another day. Follow this rule and avoid trouble.
Tip #c: Use Open Door Policy
See, forget the air conditioner. Once it is visiting hour for students, leave your door open. There is nothing confidential that you should discuss with your students that will make you close the door. Please, run from the devil by making sure that everybody sees what you are doing in your office unless you are alone.
Tip #d: Share Office with a Female Colleague
Sharing an office with her isn’t just enough, let the students’ visiting period be when she’s around. This will help you manage your self-control as well make the students that have the intention of putting you into trouble stay away.
Tip #e: Keep Students at Arm’s Length
Most times we start getting familiar with our students. They visit us at homes and make themselves comfortable with our families. They even invite us for hangouts. Well, there’s nothing bad about that. But, to avoid trouble, treat your students as a job – no personal touches. When they graduate, they can then start getting familiar with you and your family. Note that this is different if your spouse or family members have been familiar with the student, or that the student is a neighbour, or something like that. But even at that, don’t get too personal with your students.
Tip #f: Make Mode of Contacts Formal
I don’t see anything wrong with students calling or messaging their lecturers; but if you don’t draw a line on how they do that they might put you into trouble. So I suggest that you ask your students to contact you through email or WhatsApp, and give them time they should reach you. Avoid late night calls and chats; use formal tones while discussing with them; get a particular phone number they can reach you through and switch it off when you enter ‘unholy hour’.
School managements shouldn’t fold their hands and pretend that all is well when they know that isn’t true. They should find ways to minimise sexual harassment and extortions in their schools because it happens in every school. They should set up committees and panels that will investigate and handle cases such as these and open a window through which students (and lecturers too) can report such cases. Indicted culprits should be severely dealt with.
The FUTO Alumni Biennial Lecture seats have since been “sold out” (they’re free). I am very sorry if you could not get a space. I keep getting emails to intervene (the registration says “sold out”) – but here, there is nothing one can do.
The Nigeria Institute of International Affairs, Lagos has decent capacity but maybe next time, it should be moved to a stadium.
I ask you to direct all notes to our Chairman here. The decision is beyond my level as we have elders in the alumni council. Since their days in FUTO, they have been solving calculus and complex numbers. I know they will figure out a solution either to webcast or stream.
But in FUTO, “No” is never an option. So, consider that for Oct 24th – NIIA, Lagos at 11.30am
One of my neighbours told me how she lost a course mate to kidnappers when she was still a student nurse. The young lady didn’t finish up early from school (UNTH, Enugu) and by the time she left for home, all the buses conveying workers, students and patients from UNTH, Ituku-Ozzalla to Mega bus stop have gone. She found her way to the Enugu-Port Harcourt express way and started hitchhiking.
Well, she seemed to have found some ‘good Samaritans’ because the MOPOL along that express way got alerted by her screams inside a car and gave a chase. The summary of it all is that her corpse was found where it was dropped by her ‘helpers’ and the cause of her death was strangulation. Nobody actually knows what transpired inside that vehicle.
I know a lot of people see nothing wrong with hitching rides (we call it ‘begging for lifts’ in Nigeria). People like this line up the roads everyday looking for motorists that will drop them at their destinations, or close to their destinations. You see young and old, male and female doing this. But more women – both the young and the old – are into this act than men. Some hitchhike in groups while others do that alone. I don’t really know if I’m the only one afraid of waving down strangers to take me to my destination.
I know a lot of hitchhikers will tell me that even commercial motorists cannot be trusted; but I think boarding a vehicle in an official motor park makes it safer for me. At least all the park staff, aka ‘Agbero’ will know which driver is genuine and which is suspicious. So it is still better than moving to a quiet corner to hitch rides.
I also know that you may find yourself in situation where you may have to hitch rides. For example, if your car breaks down in a lonely and unsafe place and you need to get to town to look for a mechanic or towing van, you may be forced to hitch rides if commercial vehicles are nowhere to be found. But this cannot be compared to someone who just decided to beg for lift when there are so many other options available.
I don’t know exactly the reason people hitch rides voluntarily, but I think they include:
a. To Save Money: One woman was lamenting one day that she didn’t come out early to see people (especially other workers) that will drop her at her office. She said she would have saved the money she was paying the commercial bus driver. I didn’t want to judge her because I wasn’t in her pocket to know how much she has. But I think hitching rides to save money is wrong. If your place of work is quite far from your home, and you think you are spending so much on transportation, you have to decide making some adjustments. You either move closer to your office, or locate an office closer to you. Alternatively, you can work out something with your boss. But, if leaving very early in the morning will make it cheaper for you to get to your office (for example you may see government subsidized BRT), then do so. Just do what will save you from hitchhiking.
b. For Comfort: You may not believe this but it is true. A lot of people hitch rides because they want to have comfortable and smooth ride to their destination. Haven’t you noticed that some people wave down very flashy cars and ignore ‘jalopies’? Ok, start paying attention today and you will notice what I’m saying. Besides, I’ve heard some of them saying things like, “let me look for a neat car that will carry me because this our road is bad.” I believe you can figure out what they mean here.
c. To Beat Time: I’ve seen a lot of people hitch rides because of this reason. If the bus is delayed or delaying, some commuters may decide to go into the road to wave down passing vehicles. Well, I wish these people will think of safety before thinking of beating time.
d. Habit: Nigerian civil servants are guilty of this. The way they expect you to ‘drop something’ before they move your file is still the way they march into the road to stop private cars to convey them to their offices and homes. Sometimes I ask if these people can’t use all the small, small change they get from their offices to pay their transport fare. Mark you, not all civil servants are like this, and not all the people waving down private cars are civil servants. But most of those you see doing this around 8am are civil servants. Just observe them and you will see what I’m saying.
I will now briefly point out the dangers of hitchhiking – to both the hitchhikers and to the road users
Distraction to Drivers: Well, that’s true. Some of them distract drivers by the manner of their waving and stopping vehicles. This can cause accidents.
Exposure to Injury: The way these people stand on the road exposes them to the danger of being knocked down by speeding vehicles. A lot of people have lost their lives this way. These people need to think of their safety first.
Kidnapping: People have been kidnapped, robbed, killed and sexually molested when picked up this way. Some people may say they are careful with the vehicles they board but they need to remember that they never can tell what will happen along the way. These hoodlums are getting smarter by the day; the only way out is to outsmart them by staying away from their trap.
Exposure to Reckless Drivers: It will be hard for hitchhikers to determine the driving skills of the drivers they flag down. This means they may be picked up by someone who isn’t good in driving. This is another way of exposing themselves to accidents.
Embarrassment: People that usually beg for lifts are seen as those that don’t have money or those that are irresponsible. No matter how we see it, it is derogatory to a person’s personality.
Well, I know that hitchhiking isn’t going to stop. My own is people shouldn’t be involved in this act unless there is a pressing need for it. People should endeavour to plan for better mode of transportation that doesn’t include hitching rides. Let hitchhiking be for emergency cases only.
